Primitive Bipeds Finally Notice Cosmic Exhaust Pipe

The local carbon-based lifeforms in Sector 7 have reached a fever pitch of excitement over their latest visual capture: a jet of high-frequency radiation emanating from the gravitational sinkhole in the Messier 87 cluster. Using their primitive Event Horizon Telescope—a collection of ground-based dishes that barely qualify as signal-receivers—they have confirmed the existence of a plasma stream they previously failed to detect.

The scientists, a sub-caste tasked with explaining why things exist, are currently patting one another on their dorsal surfaces because they have pinpointed the base of this jet. To a galactic citizen, this is akin to a toddler discovering that water comes out of a pipe. They spent millions of their fictional resource credits to prove what any Level 2 civilization takes for granted: black holes are messy eaters.

The data, collected at 230 Gigahertz, suggests a structural complexity that the bipeds find baffling. They are currently engaged in detailed modeling, which is human-speak for guessing with expensive calculators. While they treat this as a leap in understanding their direct environment, they remain blissfully unaware that the jet is currently pointed away from their fragile rock, a fact that remains the only reason their atmosphere hasn't been stripped like cheap foil.

— Zog-7, Sector 7 Observer